Boundaries

Before you get all up in this blog and come to the realization of "hey, there's lots of books out on this subject", slow your roll a bit, focus your heart and pay attention to what I have to say on this subject. I'm gonna be talking about boundaries in dating...but likely in a way other than what you may have read or even heard before. So before you write me off or decide to get bored with this subject, at LEAST give me a shot! If you're reading this, you've likely read my other stuff too so you should be aware that this likely (and hopefully) won't be a boring read no matter what!

Maybe you read my last blog and came to the conclusion that I'm against dating. Or perhaps you think, at the very least, that my previous blog was instructing you NOT to date. Contrary to all that, I AM in favor of dating! (Holy cow, some of my old-school friends probably just fell outta their chair!) I once believed that dating was wrong and blah, blah, blah. In fact, the first "sermon" I ever did was actually a series in Sunday School at East Ridge Church of God teaching the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". In defense of that book, however, let me just tell you that the moral of what Joshua Harris was saying, I STILL agree with! I'm simply gonna add to it and expound upon it all a little bit more.

Unlike my last blog and the other blog that I'm working on at the moment, this blog isn't meant to be intense. "Boundaries" is more light-hearted and practical-heavy, just so you know. And I speak on this subject as someone with a lot of wisdom both from God and from just living it out. So don't expect me to slap you in the face if you believe differently, disagree or think everything that I'm sharing is garbage...cuz I've LIVED this. (And in living it, I've proved it!)

Let's first look at what I mean by dating. From this point on, when I mention hanging out or dating or any SIMILAR terms, I do NOT mean them in the same manner as the world does. Joshua Harris called it courtship or courting in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (and if you read that book with no negative agenda, you'd see that we're singing the same song, just different harmonies). I'm talking about FRIENDSHIP! How can you even DETERMINE that you want to be in a relationship with someone until you've spent adequate time getting to know them?? All I'm talking about here is spending that adequate time. That can have many different faces, ya know:
--It could be...meeting for some coffee and just talking and stuff.
--It could be...hanging out in groups a.k.a. group dating.

(And let me just tell you this now, my opinion on that is pretty strong. Yes, it is safe. No, it does NOT work for me! If there happens to be someone else in that group that happens to like to garner all the attention and you are not the same kinda person...well...your date is more likely to hone in on him or her instead. And THAT just makes things awkward, frustrating and COMPLETELY counter-productive. My suggestion: let's go hang out some place publicly where we can both be ourselves and have fun but ALSO be able to focus in on one another. Hey, that's just how I work, not saying EVERYONE has to do it MY way...I just know I'm not the only person out there like this so I addressed it for those of like, precious dating habits.)
--It could be just talking on the phone or online and all that. Now, on that note, (and I mentioned this in "Content" but it's SO worth mentioning again) don't get all desperate and turn to internet dating sites! No NEED to bow to pressure! You are complete and whole in Him and you have been granted an AWESOME season of your life to just get ready for that person He has for you! When I mention talking on line, I'm talking about someone you have already met or someone that you already know and you guys just happen to chat it up online rather than in person.
--It could really be ANYTHING that keeps things casual, appropriate and in context of 2 people just getting to know one another. There really shouldn't even be any pretenses of a relationship, to be honest. If your goal is REALLY to get to know them and REALLY to be their friend, then you're going to be TRULY satisfied with it working out either way that it does. I know that's tough..but, believe me, I'm gonna say some tougher things as we go along. I know that if you're wanting to hang with someone, you're likely doing so because you are REALLLLLLY attracted to them. At least that's the case with me...and that's OKAY! It would be naive to think that a mutual interest is wrong. It would also be naive to think, ladies, that he's only wanting to get to know you as a friend simply because he just wants another friend. Let's just be real here, okay? Let's also learn a balance though! Moving along...

Hey ladies! (This is the part where you ladies respond by saying hi back!) Fellas, keep reading, you should learn something here too. Ladies, ladies, ladies...I'll just cut straight to the point. I'm not a big fan of fluff or beating around bushes or playing games anyway, so let me just be up-front with you. Before you go on a date with a guy, YOU NEED TO USE YOUR HEAD!!! I think it's PERFECTLY okay for you to carefully examine each and every person you go on a date with. I've narrowed it down to only a few things for you to really consider about a guy, and remember, I used to be one of these guys that didn't meet hardly ANY of the proceeding criteria.

1. You should examine WHY this guy wants to hang out with you. If he is only wanting to hang with you because you're hot or because it's a date...NEXT! Yeah, that's harsh but hear me out here...if a guy isn't FIRST interested in getting to know you for who you are, your interests and your likes (or another way to say it, he isn't interested in being a friend and brother in Christ to you FIRST), then you have no place hanging with him and he likely ISN'T a part of God's plan for you! Yeah...that's rough...sorry, fellas, but it's also the truth. God is NOT interested in sending you a Bozo in place of a Boaz, just sayin'. God also wants to send to you His best...and God's best for you is someone that only has a heart for Him...and looks to please Him first! That being said...

2. You should only consider a date with a guy that pursues you. Don't go chasin' boys, girls! It is MAN'S responsibility to be the pursuer...I know that's a little old fashioned but there is reasoning behind it. If a man isn't man enough to show an interest in you, he isn't really even a man yet, he's still a BOY! And what do boys do? They play, they're selfish and they can't provide anything for themselves (let alone YOU!). Ladies, be cautious of a guy that plays the "tough guy". I know that society depicts the "mean guy" or the "tough guy" as being the ideal man...but God's man is the nice guy...and that's a fact! That being said, it's okay for YOU to show an interest in the guy too. Most nice guys have a habit of being a little TOO nice and therefore having a hard time finding a balance between over-pursuit and no pursuit at all due to girls playing hard to get. Depending upon your maturity level and his maturity level, there's no real NEED to be playing games. If you're interested in getting to know a guy, it's okay to make that known somehow! On the other side of the coin, though, as I mentioned before, leave all the pursuit to him. I'm just saying it's okay to bait him a bit by revealing a little interest.

3. Evangelistic dating is of the devil! What does that even MEAN?? Well, if he isn't a believer (and I'll even take it a step farther that if he isn't of the same spiritual belief system such as...you're Pentecostal, he's Presbyterian) don't go out with him! Period! The latter only leaves room for difficulty and confusion and, even though we're talking about being friends and getting to know one another, you have to be balanced and responsible. You want a mate, whenever that time comes, who believes like you believe. If you believe in Divine healing then you will want a mate that will stand with you and pray with you (or for you) and believe God with you! Why look at it any differently in the area of dating? So it goes without saying, then, that you, being a believer should NOT date an unbeliever. Paul even addressed this issue himself in the Word of God. Yes, God can use you to reach out to Hotty McHotterton but He will NOT use you to reach him by dating him! Maybe you're unaware of this but...boys be crazy! Unsaved fellas aren't into you because of how beautiful you are inside or because of how anointed you are or because of your heart for God...they're into you because you smell good, you look good and you'd make a nice, shiny new toy! Yeah...that's tough but MAN is it EVER the truth! I'm being real here, don't shout me down cuz I'm preaching good.

4. Don't over-think it and don't under-think it, either. I've addressed under-thinking it in the first 3 points but over-thinking it, I'll touch on here. Let's just be more real, okay? If you find a guy attractive, he's a man of God or you know he has a heart for God...why pray about getting to know him? Getting to know someone doesn't mean that you guys will end up in a relationship. How do you even KNOW you want to be in a relationship until you get to know them anyway??? Every matter isn't a spiritual matter, I'm sorry if that shatters your world. Dating, however, seems to be equal parts of both and yet we (fellow ministers) have neglected to focus on the natural aspect of it all to great disaster, I believe. We've told people for years, "No need to date, God will bring that person into your life! Stay inside and pray 8 hours a day! If God wants you to have a mate, you'll find them sitting on your doorstep!" And, dear friends, that just. isn't. true. If he makes you laugh...if he makes you feel good about yourself and respects and honors you and if he loves him some Jesus...why not go do something with him? Will it HURT you to have more fun and laugh more and receive more compliments and (likely) get something free out of it (such as coffee, food, flowers)??? No, I think not!

Guys! Buddies! Pals! Bro...sephs...ok. Yeah. You dudes. I'm talking to you now, ladies, your turn to pay attention for some learning. I want to say this first. Be. A. Man. Don't be a man by the worlds standards either. Get your nose in the Word of God, keep your mind renewed, fall in love with God and submit yourself fresh and anew to Him and then maybe, just MAYBE you'll be ready to hang out with a woman of God. It's all about priorities, fellas, and let's face it...we usually have a hard time prioritizing anything that doesn't directly benefit us immediately. Lucky for you guys that everything I've covered so far does just that though! You need to be aware of some things too, however...
1. You are to be the pursuer of the woman. And you are to be the pursuer with honor and class! I'm not saying you have to be smooth...I'm anything BUT smooth and, in fact, find myself being a little awkward in my pursuit of a woman. I'm saying that you need to HONOR her as your sister in Christ as you pursue her though! Don't just be like, "Hey, you're hot! Praise God for hot chicks! When you were worshiping God, I just couldn't help but notice the glimmer of those gorgeous lips under the ambiance of the church lighting!" Yeah...that's neither giving honor to her as a sister and woman of God and it's not very classy either! Don't get me wrong, there's a time for saying that stuff...but not at this stage! Slow your roll, jack!
2. Why do you want to go out with her? What's your reasoning behind it? Are you TRULY interested in GETTING TO KNOW HER or are you more interested in being in a relationship with her? If being in a relationship with her is your MAIN interest and priority, you're still a boy and need to wait for manhood before you attempt dating again. I'm not beating on you, guys, I just say it this way because I've been the guy I told the ladies to watch out for. Women want to be secure and if you REALLY want to make her happy, make her your FRIEND first so that you guys can learn each other and come to trust each other! Security is only found in trust and trust can ONLY be founded on friendship and friendship should be something that is earned, not granted freely. Now, if she opens the door to just letting you be her friend...take it and consider yourself blessed to be in that position. It's your job, at that point, to prove to her that she didn't make a mistake. Also...women aren't objects. I don't care HOW gorgeous she is, she is NOT a trophy. Guys, we ALL want to end up with a woman that we'd be proud to walk arm in arm with from the physical standpoint...but you just better have more extensive criteria than just physical qualities. As for me...I'm looking for the total package. Someone that makes me say "WOW!" Physically, spiritually, intellectually, personality-ly (?), and even emotionally. And, if she makes me say wow on those levels, she'll be making me say "WOW!" literally and VERY audibly as well! Ok...enough "ly's".
3. Evangelistic dating is of the devil for you TOO! I don't care WHAT kinda man of God you are! Don't. be. foolish! Men...we are visually stimulated. You REALLY think hanging out with Hoochie McMamaton is gonna result in anything positive, spiritually speaking? Gimme a break! Yes, God could use you to reach her...but God is NOT going to put you in a place that will allow for you to flesh out and do something that you regret, either physically or in your heart. Period.
4. You're a man...set a standard! I think it's OKAY to let a woman know what's up! I think it's not only safe and smart but also...IDEAL. No, I've not always done it and YES, I have paid the price for not doing so. Setting standards keeps both of your hearts in check. If she's really into you, even if you DO set a standard of "let's just be friends and see where things go naturally without trying to make them happen" and you aren't feeling the same way at all...be a man and GENTLY let her know what's up. Become a communicator NOW! We're gonna have to do it A LOT once we get married anyway! Anyway, don't pretend that you can't get heartbroken. It can and does happen, even in THESE situations! And I firmly believe that it's because no one set up some standards. I've been totally open and honest before...I've told a girl straight-up "yep, i'm interested in you and I kinda like you...but I REALLY wanna focus on getting to KNOW you more than anything else." I believe that makes things easier for both people and kinda let's HER off the hook should she decide that she isn't really feeling anymore than friendship with ya. And I really think that if you become friends first and foremost, you're not gonna be all heartbroken and stuff over that because you will be satisfied with that stage of a relationship.


I'm certainly no professional on the matter, nor have I done any extensive or conclusive research on the matter. In fact, I didn't even draw scripture and verse from the Bible...I just wrote this out to you from my heart. Once you're content with God as your Source of EVERYTHING (even the relationship stuff) you can effectively establish boundaries for getting to know people of like, precious faith! Being single is a gift from God and it's supposed to be a FUN time in your life, not a burden! For some of us, it's only a season too (praise God!) But who says we can't enjoy this season AND prepare ourselves for that time in life where we will get to have a relationship? I'll even go this far...if we will become so wrapped up in God that nothing else really matters, we won't have to go around dating various people. We may come to find that person, a dear friend, perhaps, already a part of our lives. We may discover, quite unexpectedly, that the one person we WANT to invest all of our time into...we've already began doing so with. Let us not forget, however, that the Great Author of Romance Himself doesn't cease to be just that whenever we do find another person. God is the only Source of satisfaction and being in love with Him is the only way to first love your sweetheart. His love is perfect and was strong enough, marvelous enough and so determined that it was the VERY thing that raised Christ from the dead. For if Christ had only died for our sins, that may have been enough...but God wanted His children to have FULLNESS in this life...so that deep-rooted love reached into the earth and raised to us a victorious Savior and Ever-lasting Lover!

Amen.

Content

Let me first define this word "content": adj.- in a state of peaceful happiness. verb- to satisfy; accept as adequate despite wanting more or better. noun- a state of satisfaction.

I don't know that I've EVER lacked transparency in regards to my hopes and dreams; my aspirations and desires. I've mentioned before that I developed a desire for a wife and family at a VERY early age. I used to draw pictures of myself at that age with my wife and kids. At the age of 3...yes, new readers, 3 years old, I began to look forward to and desire a family. I know. That's kinda weird and almost not even believable due to the age BUT my mom can vouch for me here. The point is...I've been looking for that "other person" pretty much my entire life in some form or fashion. That's really kinda scary, ya know. But the scariest part about it is that I NEVER even realized the error and imbalance in this until just last week!

I began reading a book one day that I REALLLLLLY didn't wanna read but had been feeling in my heart for the last 4 months that I really should. Like...REALLY should. Anyway, I kept ignoring it and kept on reading all my other books that I'm reading until one day I just decided to surrender to that little unction to read. See, I realize something now about being led by the Spirit of God that I was never really sensitive to before. Often times when the Holy Spirit is leading you, He kinda just keeps "bringing it up" inside you, so to speak, like a constant urge or unction to do something, repeating over and over and over again like a broken record. Now, He also leads by peace and not by pressure, so it'll never be an instance where He is PUSHING you to come to a conclusion, make a decision or act...there'll just be a sort of "peaceful urgency", if that even makes any sense to you. So anyway...I was led to buy this book in the first place. I had picked it up and put it down many, many times before and FINALLY just decided "What the heck? Maybe I should read this so that I can more effectively minister to other single peeps." And once I got home and realized that I'm NOT gonna be getting to minister to singles as I thought I would, I just kinda pushed it aside and continued trying to ignore that leading. Until last week.

I read this book in one sitting. I don't blow through books in a hurry, mind you. I prefer to study books as I read them, underlining, highlighting, circling, re-reading certain portions...I really prefer to process books rather than just read them. I couldn't put this book down, to be honest with you. You know why? Because it seemed that the book was written JUST FOR ME!

*I'm not really here to push a book to you but if you ARE interested in it, it's called "Single and Loving It!" by Kate McVeigh and if you wanted to find it, you could probably find it on Amazon or something. I actually bought it at Rhema's bookstore before coming home.*

During my reading of this book I both laughed (cuz she is one funny lady, I tell you) and cried. I wasn't crying because I was sad or because I had something in my eye or even because I was thinking about that ending to "Old Yeller". No, I was crying because my heart had become broken over the one relationship I had taken my main focus off of. I had placed my heart's desire on a pedestal just above my Father. I had, without even REALIZING it, placed MORE importance on whoever He had for me rather than enjoying what I already had with Him. See, He had romanced me better than any one ever has or could or will. At one point in my life, I realized that and spent hours a day with Him. As time went on and as life happened, as relationships came and heartbreak happened, I neglected the ONE relationship that promises to NEVER end and never cause a negative sense of heartbreak. He SO LOVED me that He gave everything, JUST to capture my attention. No romantic comedy, no graphic love story and no individual relationship can even COMPARE to that! Period.

So I began to weep, openly...I cried like I've not cried in years. You know that cry. The one where your back heaves and ho's and your cries are more closely related to that of a newborn baby rather than a grown man (or woman). I cried and I repented because I had ceased to be content in every tense of the word with my relationship with my Heavenly Father; my Precious Jesus. Sure, it's an emotional song...but romance, whether Divine or earthly is an emotional thing...but I can hear, even now, the worship song "Arms of Love" in my head and it just makes me tear up as I type this blog.

Big deal. I'm a single guy in ministry. Doesn't mean I'm not WHOLE! Big deal. I'm not at the place in life that I always thought I would be by this age. You know what though? I'm so happy! I've not taken such delight in JUST seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and taken such joy in my relationship with an Eternal Romancer in years! It feels so good to be back on track, you know. I'm TOTALLY happy being a single guy right now. Do I STILL want a wife and family? You bet I do! But, my goodness, what is that in comparison to the most important relationship anyone can have anyway? The promise of God's Word is so very simple and SO very true: HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART! Psalm 37:4 But the first part of that verse is the key..."delight yourself in the Lord".

Kate McVeigh says this in the book, "The bigger your dream is, the greater the foundation that has to be laid." It's not such an issue of time, really though. It's an issue of just making the most out of this season in life! Preparation time is NEVER EVER EVER wasted time! And if you're single, this is the BEST time of your life! Why can't we adopt the mindset that we are going to take advantage of this season by preparing ourselves for our future and our mate? This isn't a dull, boring, sad time! This is a time of opportunity and promise!

So how do we prepare? GET BUSY! Get busy becoming who you want to be in life. Get busy becoming the quality of person you hope to end up with in ever capacity: physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. Get busy focusing on other people instead of just yourself! "What you make happen for others, God can make happen for you." Look at Ruth for an example of that! And finally..."Seek first the kingdom of GOd and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 The great part about that verse is all the stuff Jesus covers at the beginning of that chapter and how He deals with worry.

When we focus on our relationship with our Creator first, we become satisfied in the revelation that we already have everything we could possibly need in Him. Don't give me that line that you need a wife. You DESIRE a wife. You DESIRE a husband...but you do NOT need her/him! You've already GOT all you need in Him! And He is oh so aware of your wants for physical contact with another person. Just look at Adam. He was a busy joker tending to the garden and walking with God in the cool of the day. He had a relationship with God that only Jesus can parallel. And yet as Adam was faithful tending to all those things and finding himself content in all that he had and, no doubt, realizing just how complete he was with his Creator, God took notice and said, "You know...it's not good for man to be alone." So He caused Adam to rest it up a bit and then created for him his lady.

Don't tell me that God is unaware of that desire! He just desires and DESERVES to be the FIRST relationship that we long for! Period! And when we focus on that, we realize that we don't HAVE to be desperate about finding someone else. Is God not capable of bringing people into our lives? He doesn't need our help. Dating sites serve a purpose...but likely not a Godly one! Sweatin' every chick you see for her number or for a date might seem alright at first...till you realize that you just overlooked that woman as a sister in Christ and neglected to FIRST nourish and cherish a friendship with her. No, I'm not saying you shouldn't date. In fact, that's something fun that I think singles SHOULD do because you can AT LEAST develop a really fun friendship with someone, even if the romance never develops. Hey ladies...Ruth didn't find Boaz....Boaz found Ruth! I'll end with this quote from the book. "God knows where you are, and He can cause your path to cross with the one He's chosen for you. The best place for you to be is serving God faithfully in your local church, being about your Father's business."

I get it now. And I'm so stinkin' happy with my Father and His business! That other stuff will be great too...but it will never fulfill me like what He's called me to do will...and a woman will NEVER satisfy me like He does. "Keep your focus on Him and everything else will fall into line. You don't have to go looking."

I love you guys and trust that this ministers to you just as much as it did to me.